


the sea in the darkness calls ( and the tide rises, the tides fall )

by wearealltalesintheend



Series: to a flat world of changing lights and noise [2]
Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Road Trips, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-16
Updated: 2017-01-16
Packaged: 2018-09-17 22:14:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9348719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wearealltalesintheend/pseuds/wearealltalesintheend
Summary: "There is fire in her lungs, the sea is in her veins.For the first time in a long time Amanda feels her chest burning not because of her disease"or, alternatively, the intermission between leaving and getting there.





	

**Author's Note:**

> And I'm back at again. Okay, the title was taken from the poem The tide rises the tide falls by Henry Longfellow. Will I ever stop quoting old poetry? Well, let's go with no for now.
> 
> Second, again, I'm sorry for any mistakes, I'm terrible at editing. 
> 
> And third, thank you Phoebe for being my fantastic beta and putting up with me.
> 
> Now, on with the story.

There is fire in her lungs, the sea is in her veins.

 

For the first time in a long time Amanda feels her chest burning not because of her disease.

 

_( She used to run, as a kid. Restless, energy burning bright as she chased her brother around the house, her laughter floating through corridors. But that was, you know, back  when her mind wasn't tricking her into thinking she was dying some horribly painful death. )_

 

Amanda is running, now.

 

Now, Vogel is tugging at her hand, dragging her across the field and she feels her lungs filling with fire with each breath and adrenaline burning hot in her veins. She can hear guns going off and screams and the fighting.

 

_( she hears Todd, too, screaming on the phone, the pain and fear and hurt and )_

 

She runs as fast as her legs take her, wind tangling her hair, whipping at her face, and she clutches Vogel's hand like a lifeline, desperate and panicked and afraid and _don't leave me alone._

 

( _when she first discovered her disease, Amanda remembers her mother taking her aside, kissing her temple, saying "be brave, be brave". Mostly, Amanda remembers her mother's eyes, blue like the cloudless sky above her now,  like the ocean, deep and wild, like herself. She remembers the blue sadness dancing with the darker shade of fear and the warmer shade of love and the bright azure of courage )_

_( Be brave, be brave )_

 

They are out of the fields but not out of the woods just yet. They flag down a car, Vogel intimidates the driver into _lending_ it to them and Amanda feels vaguely bad for stealing a car, that is, until she remembers that the fucking _CIA_ is hunting them.

 

They drive away, speeding as much as the car allows them, the open road ahead, miles and miles of dark grey pavement laid bare for them. The fields shrinking behind them, slowly morphing into farms and gas stations, and Amanda feels the tension slip from her shoulders, her grip into the armrest loosen slightly and she can finally _breath._

 

She looks for her phone, her mind provides a hazy memory of dropping it somewhere in the fields, which is, by the way, fortunate because now that she can think she knows that shit is traceable and the last thing they need is a huge neon sign above their heads saying _hey, we are here!_

 

Still, she lost her phone and the image of Todd screaming alone in the fields fills her mind, and Amanda doesn't want to speculate _why_ because there are so few possibilities and none of them are in any way okay.

 

_( she knows, deep down, she knows. She's been there, she can recognize the pain, the hurt, the confusion, the desperation, the hopelessness. Still, she denies and pretends and )_

 

There is a restless energy inside her, like the fire that had been burning in her lungs has swallowed her whole, there is a supernova inside her, telling her _to do something, anything, help them, Todd, the Rowdies, help them, do something-_

 

And Amanda knows she is not alone, Vogel is driving like a maniac and it's like watching an explosion trying to contain itself, he's jittery, knuckles white gripping the wheel, eyes wild  on the road, on the mirror, on Amanda. She wants to say it's going to be fine, but the truth is, she doesn't know and she is not going to be the one to lie to him.

 

She does tell him to slow down, stop at a gas station. She calls Todd, gets his voicemail, tries again, she gets Farah. There is panic in her voice as she tells Amanda what Amanda already knew and asks _are you okay? Can you make it home?,_ and Farah is worried and stretched thin, so Amanda says _yeah, I'm fine, I'll meet you guys there_ , and it's only partially a lie.

 

She goes back to the car, Vogel is still on the bathroom and she hopes he isn't breaking it apart. She sits in the car, fiddles with the radio until it turns the static into a soft melody. It's not her style, but it fills the silence.

 

She can see Vogel stepping out of the bathroom when the sounds of helicopters begin humming in the distance. Fear seizes her heart, ice floods her veins, freezing her blood, and Amanda motions frantically for him to _stay there, go back inside_. He hesitates, his face shows his indecision, and for a second Amanda thinks he's going to make a run for the car. In the end, she watches as he punches the wall and goes back inside.

 

It's a matter of minutes until the helicopters are above her, the roar of their engine muting the song in the radio. Amanda crawls to the backseat and curls up in the floor, making herself as small as she can, she hugs her knees and buries her head. She balls her hands into fists, nails digging into her palms, and her shoulders shake as she cries. Her tears leave a wet patch in her jeans, and Amanda cries because there are helicopters flying above her head and she is afraid and Todd has parabulitis and she has parabulitis and Martin and Cross and Gripps are gone but Vogel has to hide in a gas station's bathroom because the CIA is after them and Amanda has to hide in the backseat of a stolen car praying for her disease not to flare up now.

 

_( in the beginning, when she was still learning how to navigate life with the disease, still rebuilding her foundation, still fighting off the despair hollowing out her chest and threatening to make a home for itself there, in the beginning, she tries to be brave. She remembers her mother's face, troubled and urgent and soft. Be brave, be brave. But how could she be brave when she was so afraid? She remembers, in the beginning, her mother saying "you are an ocean, be brave, you are the sea, infinite and wild. You have your tides and your storms, you were made to wave and crash and roar. There is the unknown inside you, this abyss of an illness. But be brave, the worse of storms makes the highest and strongest of waves. You are an ocean, don't forget your calms and your pearls. If you ever feel fear, remember, be an ocean, infinite, wild and free." )_

 

When Vogel enters the car, Amanda is on the passenger seat, eyes dry, a storm brewing inside. She looks at him, he asks _are you okay, drummer girl?,_ she nods, a small smile dances in her lips for a moment, because _it's okay, they would be okay_. She would make sure of that. They would get everyone back, even the van. She would be okay, _Todd would be okay._

 

As they drive towards Seattle, Amanda watches the gas station disappear behind them, the fields and woods and farms, all speeding past them. There is some obnoxiously cheesy music playing in the radio, Vogel bobs his head to the tune, he gets what she doesn't say. _It'll be fine. We are getting them back. It'll be fine._

They are late, she knows Todd will worry. Amanda hopes Farah is with him, her brother shouldn't be alone, he gets lost in his head.

_( she remembers, when her disease first flared up, Todd calling her all the way from college. He told her it would be okay, he's sorry, but it would be fine. He's her big brother, he'd be there for her. She just had to be brave )_

Amanda remembers living in fear of what would happen next. Everyone told her she just had to be brave, but in the face of her disease, she didn't know how _._ She had forgotten being brave isn't the absence of fear, but acting despite of it.

She is not quite there yet, but she's more than halfway across.

They speed down the open road, the city growing taller as they head towards it, she rolls down her window, feels the wind in her face.

There is fire in her lungs, the ocean in her blood.

**Author's Note:**

> You read it all? Damn. 
> 
> Now, if you liked it, were vaguely nauseus reading this, want to burn this or are just full of feels after the season finale, maybe consider leaving a comment and a kudo. Really, it makes me happy and water my crops.
> 
> You can also come scream at me on [my tumblr](http://wearealltalesintheend.tumblr.com/), I'm always down for screaming in the void.
> 
> And hey? Thanks.


End file.
